Running with Chopsticks on Vox

Um. What's up?

I'm not one to take birthdays too seriously, but as the clock ticks away toward the inevitable Saturn Return, I figure I might as well take stock of my current situation in life.

Things are good, relatively speaking. I have a job that involves two of my most favorite things (writing and technology), even though I would like a lot more flexibility in terms of what I can do. I'm slowly working my way there, though it'll probably take longer than I thought it would. I need to work up the GTD process in my life though, because there have been too many days lately where I've felt stressed and overwhelmed by work.

I tend to blow too much steam about the ins and outs of my social life, but it's actually not that bad. I think part of my problem was that I was an only child, and as an only child, I didn't really need to shout and scream to get attention -- I got attention whether I liked it or not. I think this may have prompted me to be a lot more reserved than most people. It also created a weird "growing up" phase later in life where I was trying to get the attention of friends, but at the same time wanting to be reserved and quiet, and thinking that it wouldn't work that way. After a few years in and out of social circles, I've now realized that I could be both quiet *and* social, at the same time. It's a nice thing to finally understand this after all these years.

I think I've also entered one of the more challenging years of my life. I'm taking a lot more financial responsibility, and it's time for me to finally be a full-fledged adult. I have to work smarter, not harder. Long-term goals have to be incorporated into short-term ones. This year, I need to stand out, and I've not yet reached that precipice, but I hope to get there eventually. I'm so deep in career mode, it's scary.

Of course, life is a lot more complicated than that, but right now, it's pretty good. I had a birthday picnic in the park last Saturday, where several of my friends came out to hang with me, and some of them even gave me gifts. Then when my birthday rolled around yesterday, I received quite a number of birthday wishes as well. And then my dear husband treated me to a lovely sushi dinner. All in all, a subtle but happy birthday experience.

Here's to another year!

Which band or artist which is no longer performing or alive would you have loved to have seen?
Submitted by Rev Stan.

Led Zeppelin. NO QUESTION.

Most women find joy in shopping for shoes and clothes. And hey, I do too. But I get most of my joy from buying things with batteries and electronic parts in them. Recently, I bought an Eurorack mixer and a Griffin iMic just for the thrill of hearing my voice sound a little bit better (I used the mixer for the first time in Running With Chopsticks Episode 6 -- I might not use the iMic next time, since I think it does weird things with the volume level).

Also, I've made a big decision recently and decided to get my first DSLR. It'll be a Canon Rebel XTi, which I realize isn't the best thing out there, but I figure I'd rather spend more of my money on quality lenses so I decided to go with a cheaper camera body, with the idea of upgrading it in the future. That said, I also blew a chunk of change on a really quality lens, which I may decide to return if I find a cheaper alternative. (For what it's worth, I've decided that I really am not going to full-frame any time soon -- probably not for the next 5 years -- so I'm not afraid of spending money on EF-S lenses. That said.. wow, pricey!)

What with all these expenses, I really will not be getting an iPhone. It's just not going to happen. Plus, you know what, iPhone 2.0 will probably be so much better anyway. Also, the Mavizen MyBlu is really obfuscating the need for an iPhone right now.

I won't lie to you -- fame is enticing. Part of the thing that tickles me the most about my job is that random people actually come up to me and say they recognize me. It creeps me out too, no doubt, but there's a part of me that likes that sort of recognition.

Yet, I see what fame does to my friends who are more well-known than I am, and I flinch. They get scrutinized and criticized a lot more than I do, and they have a lot more enemies (real and imagined). Internet fame is still somewhat ghetto, but it's enough to earn you lots of unwanted attention. Imagine Usenet, but in real life.

What I'm the most wary about is the ever-creeping urge to censor myself. Will I no longer be able to blog about my personal thoughts like this? Will I have to make all my Flickr photos friends-only? Even now, Vox has become my area of seclusion and retreat, and yet I know that this too will soon be discovered. Where else can I vent and rant and rave about the tiny injustices that occur in my life? Am I to give up the catharsis that is the blogging experience? I've been blogging my thoughts since 2001. Giving it up would be akin to cutting off my left arm.

I know what you're thinking -- talk to friends, family, talk to someone in person, over the phone. I'm sorry, but that's not enough. With people, I put on masks. With my computer, I take them off. It is the most freeing thing in the world to be able to express one's thoughts without masks. That's simply the way it is with me and blogging; that's the beauty of it. I suppose I could go back to the world of personal journal writing, confining my thoughts to the pages of a Moleskine journal. But I miss the interaction that is inherent with blogging as well.

One of these days I'll get tired of this. I'll get tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve, and I'll get tired of saying what I feel. One of these days I'll be discovered as a thin-skinned bleeding heart who cares too much about what people think. And then it'll happen. I'll stop blogging. I'll stop putting content out there. I'll stop documenting my life.

Only to start up again a week later. I'm such a sad individual.

What are you going to do with your tax return?
Submitted by KB.

If I HAD a return, I'd use em to fix up the house. However, we just gave good ol Uncle Sam a hefty $1,400, so that's out of the question for the next few months.

I watched Journeys with George, a documentary about George W. Bush's 2000 presidential campaign, and as I watched the press corp deal with both camaraderie and competition, Alexandra Pelosi (the filmmaker), says this:

"I realized then that while I have the appetite for journalism, I don't have the stomach for the cannibalism."

Replace "journalism" for "blogging", and you pretty much have my opinion on the blogosphere.

You know what annoys me? Blogs/sites that review gadgets with the words/phrases "groped" and "felt up." Like we "felt up" the Helio Drift. Or we "groped" the Palm Treo 650. Yeah I know they're inanimate objects, but it still annoys me. Also, I'm sorry, but the boob mousepad has no redeeming quality whatsoever (even though I still appreciate the humor, I just find it in poor taste).

There's a lot more that I want to rant about when it comes to being a feminist in the a male dominated field. For one thing, that unlike certain women, I am extremely accommodating of things like pornography and blonde jokes, which have made a lot of men feel very safe around me. Which, unfortunately, have resulted in them feeling like they can say crap like "Oh, it's probably her time of the month" in front of me.

But that's the problem with being a woman in a field like this. No woman can represent all women. I consider myself a feminist, but like I said, I'm accommodating of pornography, I think dick and fart jokes are hilarious, I think it's fine for men to go to strip clubs, I think the stereotypical straight male fascination with lesbian and threesome relations understandable, I see nothing wrong with Girls Gone Wild videos (except for the sleazebag that runs the operation), and I support sex worker rights. I support fishnet stockings and low-cut shirts, I support the overt expression of female sexuality, and I support the heterosexual male appreciation of all of it.

But damn it all when there are some people who dare to interpret this sexuality as sluttiness (and not the good kind) and damn it all when some people go beyond hooting and hollering to groping and touching. Do women "ask for it" when they're so overtly open about their sexual lives? Hell no.

Also damn it all that not all feminists can see eye to eye. There are other brands of feminism that look down on things like pornography and strip clubs. There are brands of feminism that seek to demonize men. There are brands of feminism that think EVERYTHING is okay, even the groping and the touching, as long as they get to make the call. There are both prudes and harlots in the feminism pool, and most women are hesitant to choose sides. I'm sure this is as confusing to men as it is to women.

Some 130 years after women suffrage and we're still having this problem. Unbelievable.

I'll see about adding to this once I get some sleep.

1) There are the ones that make you laugh. Laugh and laugh and laugh.
2) There are the ones that laugh at your jokes. They make you feel good.
3) There are the ones that share the same interests as you. You can bond.
4) There are the ones that will gladly watch a movie with you. They make good dinner companions.
5) There are the ones that will call you up when you hit rock bottom. They lift you up when you are down.
6) There are the ones that will call you up when they hit rock bottom. They make you feel needed.
7) There are the ones that share your sense of humor. I know this could be redundant to 1 and 2, but not necessarily.
8) There are the ones that truly understands you. Very rare.
9) There are the ones that will actually change your behavior. This is obvious when you find yourself acting the same way as the person, or you find yourself quoting the other person a lot, etc. This also goes for vice versa; when they act the same like you.
10) There are the ones that you can honestly call "best friend."

I spent some time yesterday with someone who hit 10/10 on this list. And the funny thing is, I don't think we're even all that close. I sometimes wonder why that is, and I realize it's because our lives are still pretty different. And maybe I should somehow be more picky in who I call "best friend." But I guess it's not always the closeness of the friendship or how often you see each other that counts -- what counts is the amount of enjoyment you have when you ARE together. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

I could totally write a self-help book on this stuff.

One of these days I will look at myself in the mirror, I will ponder the company I keep, I will look at my bank account, I will think about my job, I will think about my place in life, I will think about my family, and I will think to myself: I accept this.

Alas, I continue to think of ways I need to change. And I have a feeling I'll be thinking like this for a long long time.